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Wild Caught Romance! | Smart Bitches, Trashy Books


Heather S went on what she calls “an expedition to Half Price Books” and found many vintage Harlequin romances on the shelf – which is odd, because the store usually doesn’t shelve them:

“I wonder if they’re having trouble filling the old mass market paperback shelves now that most romances are trade or the weird wide paperback that Harlequin publishes now.”

Your guess is as good as mine, but what really matters here is that HEATHER TOOK PICTURES.

Is it likely we’ll find some strange names, outstanding illustrations, and curiously offensive plot points? Oh. Oh, yes.

“First up: a very vintage Harlequin nurse romance!”

Harlequin 611 Nurse Blade's First Week by Mary Hunton An orange banner at the top with the title and then an illustration of a nurse looking forlorn wearing a blue and orange uniform and white cap. Behind her is a blonde man reading a newspaper in a hospital bed sort of leering at her

This book was first published in 1961. Look at that type treatment! Those letters are dancing. And how unsettling would it be to have a nurse named Nurse Blade?

“It’s time for your procedure. I’m Nurse Blade.”

And because Heather is Most Awesome, we have pictures of the back cover copy.

If you were trying to guess the plot, well, how close were you?

Nurse Blade's First Week by Mary Hunton Because June was the daughter of a famous surgeon who frequently discussed his work and problems with her, she grew up to know more than the average young girl about hospital life. Thus equipped, she entered her nursing career confidently, thinking she knew, if not all, at least most of the answers. How wrong she was, she was quickly to find out. It was not easy to decide how to deal with forbidden visitors, how to answer a patient's questions without straying 100 far from the truth how to make a patient believe he would walk again even though his surgeon wasn't very sure . .. what to say when a patient asked for a friend who was dead . . . how not to confuse sympathy and pity with love. All these, and many more, are the problems June has to cope with in this fascinating story of hospital life.

So June’s father told her all about his patients and his problems? Sounds like June’s dad might have had an inaccurate understanding of boundaries.

And then June rolls into the hospital thinking she knows “if not all, at least most of the answers.” Oh, dear. Especially the part about not “confusing sympathy and pity with love.” No wonder she looks forlorn. She’s having a hell of a first week.

So are we, Nurse Blade. So are we.

Now, this cover couldn’t get any better – it even has gold foil!

Ghost Tiger by someone named Carter. the sticker is over the name. Janice! Janice Carter. Thanks, Google. Anyway, there's a woman with curly hair in a ponytail and I think her hair is full on fuchsia. She's standing facing the side with her hand resting on the shoulder of a man facing the reader. He's looking off to the side, but his MULLET is Excellent. There is gold leaf printing of maybe daffodils up the side, and in the background is a pink washed image of a snarling tiger.

Heather: “I love her hair. This was the hair romance novels promised I could have as an adult.”

YES. YES IT IS. Also…that’s fuchsia, right? That is full on fuchsia hair? (Ghost Tiger was first published in 1994, so yeah, I’m going with fuchsia. The crunchy curl pattern is also excellent mid-90s representation. Glad to see it!

And let us not neglect to admire the mullet. The frown. The chiseled cheekbones and chin divot that are the envy of many a cosmetic surgeon.

The cover copy for a book with a mullet and fuchsia hair and that chin divot with a giant tiger in the background couldn’t be bizarro objectionable, right? Nah, I’m sure it’s fine.

THE NEWS CLIP from Thailand lasted only a moment. But what Meg Devlin saw was enough to convince her that her father- missing in action for nineteen years-was alive. Meg's best hope of learning the truth lay with Conor Tremayne, the reporter who had shot the film. But could she trust Tremayne-a man who would sell his soul for a story? Setting her story against the exotic background of Thailand, new author Janice Carter has woven an exciting tale of adventure and romance.

No, that’ll be fine. No worry about any pesky Orientalism or anything. It’s fine.

I wonder where the tiger comes in. I hope the tiger has dialogue.

This one is a Signet, not a Harlequin. The sticker obscures it, but this is Love’s Magic Spell by Glenna Finley, published in 1974. I love the connection to Ghost Tiger across several decades with all the daffodils. That’s neat.

Love's Magic Spell by Glenna Finley, except the title is covered up by a price sticker. The top almost half is the author and title, and then an illustration of a man and woman in the grass in front of a large manor with columns. The man has brown hair and is mostly the behind the other character. She has a big daffodil in her hair, and is wearing an orange printed blouse with big collar points - MASSIVE. It's very 70s.

First, this is $3.00, while the original price was 95c. If you want to go back in time to do some vintage Signet arbitrage,  that’s not a terrible return on investment, depending on the costs of the time travel.

And look at that collar! The orange – is it a blouse or a dress? The print. THE COLLAR POINTS. All of them. So many.

At the top, there is mention of “a deserted Louisiana plantation” with a “young girl caught by the terror of voodoo.”

I’m sure the cover copy will be totally fine, no big deal.

Would Love Find The Way? When lovely Sara Nichols came to Louisiana to sell the family's newly inherited plantation, Bellecourt, love was the furthest thing from her mind. But tall, handsome Piers Lamont had other plans for Sara. A notorious ladies' man, Piers was intent on making Sara his personal property. And wealthy, young Lee Sherman seemed equally determined to keep Sara entertained. But suddenly strange rites of voodoo magic closed in on her, and the true terrors of Bellecourt revealed themselves. It was only then that Sara knew her fate rested with one of these two men -but could she trust her heart to choose wiselv. ?

WOW.

A handsome Piers is a ladies’ man, who wants to make her his property.

And the other guy is named Lee Sherman. That’s a bit of a mixed historical reference, but ok. Sure.

A standard love triangle would have been enough, but wait, we’ve got “strange rites of voodoo magic clos[ing] in on her.”

Oh, no. That won’t be problematic at all. It’ll be unproblematic. De-problematized.

You think this a paranormal? Or are Piers or Lee trying to scare her into their pants, I mean, arms? This is one of the times where I’m curious but I’m not sure I would be able to put that into my brain.

Heather says, “The only ‘equal opportunity’ this book offers is in yikes.”

And if you’re wondering what Heather bought: “The one I got just because I loved the cover too much to leave it behind.”

The lilac ghost - an illustration of a woman with really red hair again looking off to the side. The sky behind her is mauve and there's a dark building looming on the left

This is a Bantam Red Rose Romance from 1970. The cover copy is very brief:

After a whirlwind courtship at sea, Virginia had married Rick Bradly and gone with him to his ancestral home, an isolated house perched on the peak of a mountain and shunned by villagers and tradesmen.

Now, after three weeks, Rich had gone off without warning, leaving his wife alone in a raging storm, with no company save a few women and the lilac ghost of Bradley Hall. And the ghost which walked the garden by the lilac bush was hardly reassuring.

Everyone hates your house and there’s a ghost by the lilac bush? Seriously, go talk to the ghost. The lilac ghost absolutely knows what’s going on. TALK TO THE GHOST, VIRGINIA.

Seriously, I’d be outside all day and all night waiting to have a lilac ghost chat. I hope Heather will let us know how the book is!

Have you gone vintage romance shopping lately? Encountered any ghosts?





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