November 14, 2024, 11:34am

InfoWars—that miserable cesspool of a conspiracy news site, spun from the flax between Alex Jones’s ears—has a new owner. And this one has a sense of humor! Maybe even a soul!

Following a well-publicized bankruptcy auction, Jones’s brainwashing platform is now the official property of The Onion. The satirical news site that prefers open fakery to fear-mongering-masquerading-as-fact was able to purchase Jones’s empire with the help of backing from the families of Sandy Hook victims, who used some of their defamation suit payouts to assist in this glorious bit of news mischief.

Jones was compelled (by a judge) to relinquish control of his site after losing two suits to that same group of people, who he regularly mocked and dismissed on InfoWars.

But promulgating the lie that one of the century’s most horrific school shootings was “staged” was just one of Jones’s many horrible passions. He also told his millions of followers that the Boston Marathon shooting and the attack on Congresswoman Gabby Giffords were staged PSYOPS, perpetuated by a Deep State.

Slapped with a 1.5 billion dollar payout for addling untold American minds, Jones was forced to put his entire operation—aka, Free Speech Systems—up for sale, from the studio equipment to his nutritional supplement store. The latter has repeatedly drawn fire from the FDA for selling snake oils like “Superblue Fluoride Free Toothpaste,” and other products that purport to cure COVID-19.

You know, like this guy.

In an op-ed explaining the acquisition, The Onion’s own “Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO” welcomed theoretical new hires to the bigger tent. “I really do see it as a family,” Tetraeder wrote. Though added, “Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.”

The CEO also applauded InfoWars’ paradoxical powers of persuasion, calling the site “a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon.”

Ah, it feels good to laugh again. Especially in this timeline, where parody struggles to find purchase.

But I note the bankruptcy sale still needs to be approved in court. And in the meantime, Jones has said that he plans to continue broadcasting via another TBD platform, where his loyal audience is sure to follow him. “All you leftists celebrating the end of Alex Jones and Infowars, you’re fools,” he said via NBC, with big you’ll-rue-the-day energy. “Just watch.”

This all leaves a deranged note in the mouth. But at least for now I can wash it out easy, with my fluoridated toothpaste.