I’ve Been Diagnosed With Blackness

Descent

I might have seen you for help 
from my affliction with Blackness. 
I don’t know. Kendrick says 
he has been diagnosed 
with real nigga conditions. 
I needed you to make mine 
go away. I wanted you 
to will the earth to swallow 
the cop at my door. 
My relationship with the land 
is the longing of my fathers 
for their kin. As you know already, 
I am not from here; 
and cannot make request 
from the land. Your fathers 
have reaped from desire. 
Upon learning the palace 
will have its first black son 
the crown decreed he will 
never be called prince 
and will hold no titles. 
Although I do not condone, 
I understand the queen. 
The boy’s mother could 
have removed him from 
the crown’s household 
because she could imagine 
him growing up 
to be the queen’s housenigga. 
What puts us in bed with those 
who lorded themselves over us 
besides our desire for mercy? 
When my people knew I stopped 
seeing you, they wanted to know 
if I was thankful because where I’m from 
it’s often said that to be kept alive by 
what could kill you is a gift.

Forty-One

I blamed the time difference. 
I blamed the miles over 
which our voices were carried 
by the phone when my mother 
claimed my voice didn’t sound 
like mine. I blamed the ocean 
between us. I repeated myself;
but my voice sounded like 
a needle. When I opened 
my mouth all 23 years of Amadou 
Diallo’s life fell out. I didn’t see 
his face until I rinsed the blood 
off. But I held him even without knowing 
it was him because he has my body, 
I mean my brother’s body. I hugged 
him because he is mine in the way 
my body is mine. I cradled him until 
his eyes opened. I cradled his head 
until his mouth opened into stories 
of the many ways his hands have 
failed him. He stopped the stories 
abruptly before their ends. He was 
restless. He wanted a haircut, food, 
and travel all at once. He wanted to live 
all 22 years of his death in a minute. 
He wanted to live like he never died.
But he left me for the shores across
which our mothers are waiting for us.