Rich and I are both going into The Bachelorette tonight sick.

We have some kind of virus  (luckily not Covid) and have taken all the cold medicines.

Hard to say if that’s going to make this better or worse.

As usual, Picasso says “How you doin’?”

It’s Fantasy Suites week and we’re in Hawaii.

The first date goes to Devin who has already told Jenn he loves her. Jenn has not reciprocated yet. They start out going up in a helicopter–HELICOPTER BUDGET!

They land near a waterfall and then later have champagne on the beach.

Devin tells her he doesn’t want the “magic” of all their traveling taking away from them as a couple and he looks forward to them acclimating to normal life.

Jenn says that Devin is a “good thing” and she’s afraid to “lean into that fully because then it becomes real.” What? Isn’t that what you want? She doesn’t tell Devin she loves him and he’s clearly upset about it.

During the dinner (they can’t eat) Devin once again tells Jenn everything she’s been wanting to hear, which is that he’s in love and ready to be engaged and to be a couple in the outside world.

Jenn worries this is too good to be true.

Picasso worries he’s not getting enough tummy pets.

Jenn still doesn’t tell Devin she loves him, even when they retire to the fantasy suite for the night.

Maybe it’s the cold medicine, but this episode feels like it’s moving in slow motion.

The next morning Jenn makes a Big Dick Energy joke because people say Devin looks like Pete Davidson.

Devin confirms she still didn’t tell him she loves him. “I’ve given everything I can till this point,” he laments.

The next date goes to Jonathon, and they drive around sight seeing and stopping at food trucks and restaurants, snacking on All The Things. Later they eat in front of a waterfall. Waterfall budget?

Picasso is snoring right now.

During dinner Jonathon tells her that if they get engaged, he wants to learn to speak Vietnamese and cook Vietnamese cuisine.

They spend the night together.

The next morning we cut over to Devin who is having anxiety that Jenn doesn’t feel the same way he does. He’s specifically worried that Jenn has told someone else she loves them.

This episode is so boring, you guys.

For their date, Marcus and Jenn go for a boat ride at sunset, and then snorkel with rays who glow under the lights of the ship. It’s actually super cool.

Of the three dudes, Marcus is the least confident in his relationship with Jenn. A lot of this may be due to his being abandoned by his parents, and he tells her at dinner he worries about not being present as a husband or father.

Jenn meanwhile is in love with Marcus, while Marcus admits (to the camera) he’s not in love with Jenn.

He basically tells Jenn this amid a bunch of verbal diarrhea and she looks devastated.

I swear there’s five minutes of sad music where they don’t talk to each other but just stare.

Then, as we all think they’re breaking up, Marcus says even though he’s not in love, he wants to still try.

…Okay.

The next morning, Marcus says he feels more confident in their relationship.

Then we cut back to Devin and his anxiety attack. I have the blue Mucinex, dude, that will mellow you out.

He and Jesse sit at a hotel bar while Devin cries that he doesn’t feel like Jenn loves him back and he feels like one of a group, not “the one.”

Rich and I are both desperately trying to stay awake right now.

We get more dramatic music while Devin wanders the hotel in search of Jenn. He knocks on her door and that’s where we end for this episode.

In summary, Jenn is in love with Marcus who is not in love with her.

Devin is in love with Jenn who is not in love with him.

Nobody knows what the fuck is up with Jenn and Johnathon.

Are you watching?