I just went to pull up this episode of The Bachelor on Hulu and it was listed in a sub category called “Black Excellence Exemplified.”

Right.

In other news, please look at these Muzzy feet or as we call them “peets.”

Those are some dainty little feet right there.

Absolutely perfect paws. 10/10.

So it’s post prom-themed party and all the women are laying on the drinking couches looking hungover.

The theme of the conversation is that Carolina started drama over whether or not Grant said he thought about dancing with Rose when he was dancing with her. Rose claims he said this, Grant refutes it.

So then Jesse shows up and tells them they’re all traveling to Madrid. He says their flight leaves in an hour, which sets my husband off.

Rich: Why would you say that? Everyone knows that’s not true. You don’t hustle a dozen people to the airport in Los Angeles an hour before an international flight. That’s a lie. But it’s stupid. You don’t need to lie about that.

Indeed.

When we get to Madrid, Grant is playing basketball because this show is so lazy it has decided his entire personality is basketball.

The first one-on-one goes to Dina.

Confirming my theory that these women care more about their friendships with each other than their relationship with the Bachelor, the other women comment, “She does look banging today,” and “her lashes are on fleek.”

They play some street soccer with a few kids which is just totally coincidental, I’m sure.

They find a wall where people post their wishes and write their wishes down.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Dina says she’s really regimented and controlling so the process of being on the show is forcing her to go with the flow.

…ok.

We also learn that Dina is one of eleven children.

She gets the date rose.

Back at the hotel everyone is still annoyed with Carolina.

Juliana says the stress of the show is making her feel ill, but immediately after getting off the plane the women had a bunch of sangria and now they’re working on red wine, so I think she just needs some cheese and crackers or something.

Also Muzzy says she’s not helping with this recap because we got a huge box in the mail today and Rich cut holes in it so she can hide inside and then leap out and attack her brothers.

The next day is the group date.

First they ride donkeys through town.

Ed. note: why?

Then they meet a Matadora named Carmen. She teaches them how to be confident Matadoras. Grant pushes a wheelbarrow with a fake bull head on it at them.

The women then compete by riding a mechanical bull. Whoever holds on the longest wins.

Ed. note: Again. Why?

Alexe lays forward on the bull and wraps her arms around each horn. She manages to make it forty-seven seconds. Zoe, who was on the wrestling team in high school, mimics her technique and wins the game. Alexe is irritated because she came up with that strategy.

Zoe wins some alone time and a glass of wine with Grant.

During the cocktail party, Carolina shows up in a dress with detached arm poofs and I am in awe.

PINK ARM POOFS.

Muzzy briefly relinquishes her box fort to Dewey.

Muzzy: I bet she’s got snacks in those.

Carolina then asks out loud how anyone can be expected to get engaged after what amounts to one date with someone and YEAH WE KNOW WE’VE ALL ASKED THAT. HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE?

So then Juliana asks Carolina and her arm poofs to talk outside.

Talk shit.

Juliana says Carolina is really insecure about her relationship with Grant, but like, no one who is insecure could rock arm poofs like that.

Juliana says she should probably leave if she still has doubts.

“I wasn’t really worried about what you’re thinking about me,” Carolina says.

UPDATE THE ARM POOFS ARE ATTACHED TO BLACK OPERA GLOVES.

Then Grant shows up and Carolina and her arm poofs are crying. He asks to talk to her.

Update: There are now three (out of four) cats in the box and I have been informed it is a pirate ship.

The other women complain that Carolina gets more time with Grant because of her drama.

Grant then tells the women that he’s not giving out the rose tonight because he needs to “consider some things,” obviously referring to the arm poofs.

The next day is Sarafiena’s one-on-one date and they go bungee jumping. Grant is WAY nervous.

We get all the usual analogies “falling in love is like jumping off a bridge,” “letting go is the hardest part,” etc.

The jump and then kiss while they dangle upside down and I would be throwing up so much. Just like fountains of vomit everywhere.

During the dinner they can’t eat Grant says, “Sometimes when we do kiss, I get the sense that you’re hesitant to go all the way in and I get it, its because you don’t want to be hurt.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s because my mom is watching,” she replies. “Don’t dig deep into that. Hi mom!”

She gets the date rose.

Then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail hour. Before they even get started, Grant asks to talk to Juliana.

He asks what’s going on between her and Carolina and I…

Juliana says Carolina was ungrateful for her time with Grant when all the other women wanted that time with him.

So then he wants to talk to Carolina.

Grant says that he walked away from their date feeling really positive about their relationship and he’s hurt that she’s questioning it (while he also dates nine other women, FWIW).

Carolina says it’s natural to have doubts when you’re first meeting someone and it’s not natural to suddenly be like “I want to marry this guy!” after one date.

NO SHIT.

“It hurts me when you question me,” he says. “You should be coming to me with that and we figure it out together.”

Ah, she’s committed the cardinal sin of doubting “the journey.”

She, and her arm poofs, must be shunned.

Then Natalie asks Grant how he’s doing… and who the fuck is Natalie? Has she been here the entire time?

Dewey lets me know the pirate ship box is now actually a TARDIS.

Rose says that she feels like she confided in Carolina about her relationship with Grant and that Carolina used it against her.

“I was the martyr of your feelings,” she says.

I think Martyr of Your Feelings was a song from 1985.

Rose then cries and says she wants to go home and the other women try to convince her to stay.

“I feel like I push so hard…I uhhhhhh,” she says, which I think was also a song from the 80’s.

Rose tells Grant she’s going home. He says that he respects that.

I want to go home too and I am home.

A limo takes Rose away and then Jesse shows up to tell us it’s time for “the most important rose ceremony yet.”

Sure dude.

So the women assemble outside in a courtyard, but they’re all wearing coats so it must have gotten REALLY cold or they threatened to revolt.

Grant says moving forward he wants everyone to be aware of each other’s feelings and be comfortable.

Natalie and Parisa wind up going home. Natalie, we hardly knew you.

Parisa says, “I’m excited to go home to my cat, Sunny.”

Damn straight.

And that’s it. Are you watching from your box fort?